Just over a week ago, I posted my personal list of the top 50 films from the 2010s. Because I wanted to have a bit of balance, this list was born, of my 10 worst films to have come from this past decade.
If you asked me who directed this 3-D take on Bram Stoker's novel, I would've guessed somebody new to filmmaking, who is yet to find their voice, and grow out of a style that unfortunately looks amateurish. It's a shock that it's come from horror legend Dario Argento, who's directorial debut was released 43 years before this. Between the performances wooden as the stakes, line readings which resembles half-hearted English dubbing, and the glaring visual effects, this feels inept in the most mind-boggling of ways. Most criminally, it's a bore that tries your patience at nearly two hours long, and an unbelievable scene where Dracula morphs into a praying mantis can't help. Let's not even discuss Argento piling the film with nudity to try and compensate (including from his own daughter!)
What happened, Robert De Niro? You'd be hard pressed to find a long-serving actor without a few blemishes on their career, but while the legendary actor has taken some questionable roles, this comes off as though he's purposefully being punished. He plays the titular Grandpa to Zac Efron's character, a man who's dissatisfied with his life, and the pair agree to drive up to Florida. Hilarity apparently ensues, but it didn't for me.
The tone is set from early on, when we bear witness to The Godfather Part II star masturbating, and thus begins the ride. That is, if the ride is on a vehicle with no working brakes, rapidly descending into a pile of faeces. Robert De Niro is trapped playing an utterly vile being, constantly coming off as self-serving, no matter how much the film tries to lazily grasp at half-hearted tries at emotion. But he's only the beginning, for this is full of insufferable and unlikeable characters. A third act twist where zombies devour them all would have been more than welcome.
Just to clarify, this isn't a list of just films I had slight issues with. These are cinematic examples where I've felt thoroughly unclean for having sat through the entire thing, and desire to never see again. If you've found enjoyment with any of these where I did not, then more power to you. For me, here are the 10 worst films I watched from the 2010s.
10. Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014)
For the fourth Transformers film, it seems Michael Bay wants to take the franchise in a new direction, likely spurned on by the change in leads. You'd struggle to believe that from watching the film, as it falls into the same problems, but repackages them under a new subtitle. At 165 minutes, this is the most bloated entry into a franchise whose motto may as well be "Add an unnecessary 40 minutes on top", as the plot flits around between barely connected ideas. It's a chore getting invested in the lead characters, as they seem more like mad-libs of character traits, given sentience and made utterly repellent. Worst of all is how, in this near 3 hour film adapted from a children's toy franchise, the film stops so a 20 year old character can justify statutory rape, complete with him pulling out a laminated copy of the specific law explaining why it's okay he's dating a minor. Horrendous is too kind a word, for this.
9. Wolves At The Door (2017)
I would've said John R. Leonetti made this film inspired by the Tate murders by the Manson family, but the lines are muddied by ending on a montage of real life coverage, as though it was a last minute change for the film. But this is the least of its problems, as the real life tragedy has been turned into a soulless slasher flick, which feels the need to include a sledgehammer, just to "spice up" the murderous set-pieces. It's a ghastly prospect, which leaves viewers with something exploitative, hollow, and very crass.
8. Dario Argento's Dracula (2013)
If you asked me who directed this 3-D take on Bram Stoker's novel, I would've guessed somebody new to filmmaking, who is yet to find their voice, and grow out of a style that unfortunately looks amateurish. It's a shock that it's come from horror legend Dario Argento, who's directorial debut was released 43 years before this. Between the performances wooden as the stakes, line readings which resembles half-hearted English dubbing, and the glaring visual effects, this feels inept in the most mind-boggling of ways. Most criminally, it's a bore that tries your patience at nearly two hours long, and an unbelievable scene where Dracula morphs into a praying mantis can't help. Let's not even discuss Argento piling the film with nudity to try and compensate (including from his own daughter!)
7. Jack and Jill (2012)
Between Punch Drunk Love and Uncut Gems, it's clear Adam Sandler can deliver a great performance, which makes it all the more painful when he falls back onto something like this. The lowest point in his career came when he tried stretching out a cheap SNL gag into a feature length film, seemingly based around the equation "Adam Sandler + Crossdressing = Comedic Gold". All we're left with is an onslaught of gags punching down at Latinx people, Al Pacino rapping about Dunkin' Donuts, and a berating about atheism thrown in for good measure.
6. Collateral Beauty (2016)
At worst, this tale of Will Smith playing a grieving father, who writes letters to abstract conceptions of Love, Time, and Death, should've been emotionally manipulative fluff. Instead, it sidelines the former Fresh Prince to focus on three co-workers, whose response to their long-time friend hurting is to hire three actors to portray Love, Time, and Death, in an effort to make Smith's character look crazy enough to lose his job. It's a horrendous scenario to watch unfold, made all the more baffling as the manipulative and toxic leads are positioned as being in the right.
5. Dirty Grandpa (2016)
What happened, Robert De Niro? You'd be hard pressed to find a long-serving actor without a few blemishes on their career, but while the legendary actor has taken some questionable roles, this comes off as though he's purposefully being punished. He plays the titular Grandpa to Zac Efron's character, a man who's dissatisfied with his life, and the pair agree to drive up to Florida. Hilarity apparently ensues, but it didn't for me.
The tone is set from early on, when we bear witness to The Godfather Part II star masturbating, and thus begins the ride. That is, if the ride is on a vehicle with no working brakes, rapidly descending into a pile of faeces. Robert De Niro is trapped playing an utterly vile being, constantly coming off as self-serving, no matter how much the film tries to lazily grasp at half-hearted tries at emotion. But he's only the beginning, for this is full of insufferable and unlikeable characters. A third act twist where zombies devour them all would have been more than welcome.
4. The Queen's Corgi (2019)
You're probably thinking, "This looks like a cute little film about dogs, what's so wrong about it?". Initially, the biggest sin this film has is making the eponymous Corgi so unlikeable, but things quickly sour when an animated Donald Trump comes in. He pops down his own dog, makes a casual reference to his "grabbing" comments, and then his dog sexually assaults the titular Corgi. Somehow, it then spirals further, as the film relocates to a kennel, where there's classism, homophobia, a sniffer dog addicted to cocaine, and Fight Club references, all aimed at children! It's a horrible film which doesn't deserve to be watched by children, let alone left in the same room as them.
3. Loqueesha (2019)
I'm fully convinced the pitch for this film began with Jeremy Saville saying "You know who have it worst in the world? White men". In this film he wrote and directed, he plays the leading role of a bar owner who everybody compliments, because he's so hilarious and insightful (with the exception of his ex-wife, due to rule that lead characters and exes can NEVER get along). He can't get a job as a radio host, so pretends to be a Black woman through an EXTREMELY offensive impersonation. Any tries to address his awful actions are half-assed, as the film still ploughs ahead as though the objections were never brought up in the first place. Think of it as somebody commenting on the awfulness of knife crime, in-between each time they stab you. Even more tone-deaf is how, the one person to actually challenge our lead is a Black woman that's made out to be the villain, and portrayed as being in it for the money. I implore you, don't even entertain the notion of watching this film.
2. Saving Christmas (2014)
Between this and the God's Not Dead series (which I have never seen, and will likely keep that way), this past decade really laid on the narrative of Christians being the most persecuted people out there. For the main bulk of this film, we're sat in a car as a man named Christian (get it?) gives thin reasons why he doesn't enjoy the festive period. In response, Kirk Cameron condescends to him why he's wrong, linking his reasons to the Bible, while trying to make the origin of Saint Nick sound bad-ass, AND use it to admonish others for being "politically correct". An egotistical nightmare which isn't even worth watching out of morbid curiosity.
1. Keith Lemon: The Film (2012)
There's been a long tradition of giving TV characters their own feature films. It's charitable to say the results are a mixed bag, and for me, Keith Lemon's leap to the big screen was rock bottom for it. Opening on the title character's face as he reaches orgasm, we're then forced to spend a never-ending 85 minutes with this abhorrent figure, whose personality can be whittled down to "moronic sex pest", as he discards his kidnapped pregnant wife for riches and infidelity. But, because the lead co-wrote the screenplay, so many of the female cast-members lust after him, and we're expected to like this guy because he mispronounces things. This is a mean-spirited and unpleasant film, which seems to be working off a checklist as to who it should be hateful towards. To call it a comedy should put this film foul of the trade descriptions act. It is also the worst film I have ever seen.
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